The Royal Baby for Dummies

Well, it’s happened, and we’re all giddy with joy. But what is a Royal Baby? And what effect will it have on the modern world? The Dilly Rag’s Royal Correspondent Henrietta Horzeshiit  answers some common commoner questions.

What is the Royal Baby?  Contrary to popular belief – the Royal Baby is not a baby at all.

Just kidding, it is a baby.

What measures will Kate and William take to ensure the baby is a fit ruler? During the pregnancy much effort will be made to influence the child’s development as it floats in the womb. If the early scans detect a baby girl, music by the band ‘Queen’ will be blasted against the stomach of the Dutchess. If the Royal Baby is a boy, the playing of ‘Queen’ will be banned throughout the land, and Nat King Cole, Prince, and Carole King will be played.

Will the baby have blue blood or red? The idea that the aristocracy have ‘blue blood’ is a common misconception. The Royal Baby will have bright red blood like you and me, but don’t be fooled – the red hue of Royal Blood is actually caused by, yes, you’ve guessed it, rubies. This makes the Royal Baby’s blood much glossier than ours, and more expensive.

(Random Fact for Royal Baby Fact Fans:  In times gone by it was traditional to punch the Royal Baby moments after its birth causing the nose to literally explode with blood. It may sound cruel, but it was important that the Royal Baby demonstrated its power and wealth immediately, and the baby’s stoicism in the face of such an attack would bode well for its future Royal life. This practice was illegalised in 1976.)

The Royal Baby’s Mother is a commoner. What will this do to the Royal Baby’s gene pool? Good question. Fortunately, the Royal Family’s genes are approximately 80% more ruthless than ours and will kill any working-class gene that they encounter. If you’re a bit of a science boffin and don’t believe that genes work this way, then I suggest you invest in my informative and lively illustrated book ‘WHY THE ROYAL FAMILY’S GENES ARE 80% MORE RUTHLESS THAN YOURS’ and reeducate yourself.Of course, there’s always a chance some commoner traits will slip through the net such as pepperami eating, browsing through bins in bargain basements and wearing jeans, but these will be whipped out of the child early-on with a ceremonial gold lashing-stick.

When the Royal Baby is born, what gifts will the baby receive?  Traditional gifts include  Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Less traditional gifts are Macbooks, drinks coasters and charcoal.

Will I be able to personally congratulate the Royal Baby when he/she arrives? Yes! If you have a gift or card to send to the Royal Baby, simply mark your envelope with the words ‘Royal Baby’ and post to 1, Buckingham Palace, Buckingham, Bucks. You will not recieve a ‘thankyou’ as your package will be ripped open for anthrax and then incinerated.

I hope that’s answered some of your questions. I’m Royal Correspondent Henrietta Horzshiit, and my book ‘YOU’RE WORTH ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS’ is out now.

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Do you have any questions about the Royal Baby? Maybe you just want to chat about it? Call the Royal Baby Chat Line on 0800 877777777777

Alternatively, are you depressed, anxious, lonely and poor? Do you worry that since the Royal Baby shares 25% DNA with Princess Diana and 6.25% with the fucking Queen that Royal Baby News is going to be here every single day until the day you die, in every paper, forever?  Call the NHS Royal Baby Crisis Line on 0800444444444444

Quote from the Fashion World or Made Up Bullshit?

1.) “During New York Fashion Week, a woman came up to me and started asking questions about the ethics of fashion. She actually got quite upset, asking why bigger ladies aren’t represented on the catwalk and why so many models have eating disorders and mental health issues.” Anna Wintour sips her mineral water and shrugs. “Anyway, I just hit her in the face until she was half unconscious, and then made her eat an entire diamond necklace.” she laughs gaily.” Her teeth were ruined.”

2.) “There are fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television, saying that thin models are ugly. No one wants to see round women”. Karl Lagerfeld.

3.) “I heartily endorse anorexia.” Victoria Beckham.

4.) “A dress that reveals a woman’s ankles while she is walking is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.” Valantino Garavini tells The Daily Mail.

5.) “A woman who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.” Coco Chanel

6.) “I just think women in general are fucking vile.” Kate Moss.

Quotes from the Fashion World: 2, 4, 5

Made up Bullshit: 1, 3, 6.